I haven't been posting as much lately because I've been devoting myself to tiger parenting. Not apex predator husbandry or creating a cereal flake mascot, but good old let's-all-be-as-awesome-as-China child rearin'! Look, the bar is high and I have installed a performance-based culture in my household. Weekly peer reviews determine the daily minutes I allocate to rigorous beatings. I have a set of KPIs as well as some additional metrics that allow me to precisely adjust the amount of verbal abuse I hurl on them. If they miss their SLAs repeatedly I have predefined escalation procedures. This provides clear structure for expectations, accountability, and consequences.
It's quite time-consuming. For example, my oldest was not consistently top of the league tables while playing Call of Duty so I escalated his morning punishment from kneeling on rice to a caning. I also force him to practice Call of Duty in single-player mode for 4 hours per night. This will continue until he is the BEST. It is clear to both of us that I will accept no less. This may seem harsh but you should see how gratifying the moment will be when he goes on a triumphant gibbing streak and turns to me with pride of achievement glowing in his eyes.
In the meantime, I'm writing a book to help you, too, be as awesome as me.
Rice? Have you tried broken glass instead?
ReplyDeleteI listened to the stupid Tiger Mom story the first time NPR mentioned it, and shook my head in disgust. The 2nd time, when a different NPR program covered it, I listened to 30 seconds of it, before turning off the radio. Now, whenever I hear anything about Tiger Mo... ...that's about as far as I get. =)
It's probably too late for you to retroactively tiger-parent. Maybe you can tiger-garden? I suspect you are far too lenient with your cacti.
ReplyDelete