16 February 2008

How To Snowboard

Now that I'm retiring the snowboard, I should pass on my knowledge of the subject, to help aspiring boarders everywhere realize their potential.

There is a lot of equipment to consider before you begin snowboarding. You will need bindings. You will spend an inordinate amount of time fiddling with your bindings, so get the most tedious ones you can find. You will probably need a board. More important is a jacket and some trousers. If you're not sure what style you like, pick out whatever looks most like pajamas. Snowboarding is kind of like a big pajama party, but a little colder and everyone's stoned. Headwear is important. If you wear a helmet, you will not experience the nauseating joy of a concussion, so skip that and get a bandana instead, or a goofy winter hat designed to maximize hilarity. A backpack is not mandatory but is nice to have. It doesn't matter what you put into it, since you must never be seen to actually open it or extract anything from it, ever. So you can stuff it with ganja or put a change of clothes and a couple paperbacks in there, doesn't matter.

The most basic snowboarding position involves standing comfortably on the board, knees bent, and lowering your backside until it is pressed into the snow and most of your weight has been transferred to it. Beginners will execute this move somewhat jarringly, while experts can do it quickly yet smoothly. Non-snowboarders will often refer to this as "sitting" or "sitting down", but technically this is your Fundamental Position, and is the basis for all snowboarding technique. You will eventually master heel and toe slides, falling leaf, and probably several types of turns, but you must always revert to the Fundamental Position frequently to maintain excellent form.

Take care getting off of lifts. You will want to stop and adjust your bindings wherever is most inconvenient for everyone coming off the lift after you. After you have strapped your boots in fully, sit down (i.e. assume the Fundamental Position). Then get up and slide around near the top of a run. Slide down a few feet, maybe execute a single turn, then sit down again. Beginners will be self-conscious and probably do this at the edge of the piste. More advanced boarders know that the proper place is in the middle of the piste. Here you can best decide on what "line" you want to take. Don't plan too far ahead -- you will not want to go move than 100 or 200 meters before you stop again.

Eventually, you will stand up and begin carving your way gracefully down the piste. When you reach the crest of a rise, stop and sit down.  Right in the middle. Contemplate your place in the universe. Try to remember what you put in your backpack. Adjust your bindings.

Repeat this process until you find yourself at the bottom of the mountain. If at any time you fall, adjust your bindings, and sit around a while. If you are snowboarding in a group, you will need to sit even more often. Group boarding requires extra coordination and thus a near-constant reversion to Fundamental Position to maintain sound technique despite the distraction of friends. You may often need to discuss with each other the best path down the mountain or what you should have lunch. Standing still on a snowboard is tiring, so do sit down for these group activities.

When you are moving, take care to scrape as much snow off the piste as possible. Soft snow is the bane of skiers and boarders alike. Do your part to leave a smooth, icy surface so that everyone can benefit.

Off-piste boarding can be quite fun, but you may want to avoid it since there is less sitting down. Also, if you board in the alps, you likely have never experienced actual powder. Stick to icy or slushy alpine pistes and you'll do fine. Rails and slides and half-pipes and parks are fun -- all the moves you never land on your skateboard you can also fail to land on your snowboard.

Don't forget to be smug about your comfortable boots, and avoid the flat bits. That's about all you need to know. Have fun!

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